


Hymn of Guilt

by NanakiBH



Category: Tales of Crestoria, Tales of Xillia
Genre: Alternate Universe, Backstory, Developing Friendships, Established Relationship, M/M, Parallels, Sibling Incest, Slice of Life, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings, Winter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:48:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28147089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NanakiBH/pseuds/NanakiBH
Summary: His choice was already made. They would face this world together.
Relationships: Julius Will Kresnik/Ludger Will Kresnik
Comments: 1
Kudos: 13
Collections: Yuletide 2020





	Hymn of Guilt

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Rethira](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rethira/gifts).



> This fic is for my Yuletide giftee!
> 
> Whenever I think about the Kresniks, my first instinct is to put them somewhere where they'll be safe and happy. My brain chose the Crestoria universe where they can be... somewhat safer and happier. lol It feels like the perfect universe for them, tbh.
> 
> Giftee, I hope you don't mind the Crestoria. I think that anyone could read this without being familiar with it. I tried to write the equivalent of an episode you'd see in the main story. I hope you enjoy! Happy holidays! 🙏

_Do you have what it takes?_

_To destroy? To choose? To pass the trial?_

_Answer me, Ludger Kresnik!_

A breath.

Heart racing.

The air was cold. At first, his body felt numb.

But as Ludger's eyes fell upon the face of the one sleeping beside him, the frantic pace of his heart slowly returned to normal. He felt his brother's warmth, felt his gentle breath on his cheek.

He moved closer, putting an arm around Julius's waist to steal some of his warmth for himself. It seemed like it must have gotten colder overnight – it might've even snowed. It was a good thing Kanata and his friends met them when they did, otherwise they would've probably been camping out in the cold. The little makeshift cabin he and Julius shared was barely big enough for two people, so the others had to cram themselves into the living area. He'd offered them the bedroom, but they insisted that they take the couch and the floor.

They seemed like good people...

It was nice to be reminded that good people still existed in the world, especially as the world seemed to steadily grow colder each day.

“Oh... Hey.” Julius smiled sleepily as he opened his eyes. “G'morning. I'm surprised to see you awake before me. Everything okay? You look a little shooken up. Are you still worried about our guests?”

Ludger shook his head.

He didn't know if he could tell Julius about the dream he had...

When he was young, there was a terrible accident.

He was raised by his mother in a small village. One day, an older boy arrived, hunting an incarnation that had stolen away somewhere within their village. Misunderstanding the reason for the boy's arrival, his mother attacked him. Although he was little more than half her size, the boy overpowered her to defend himself.

That was how Ludger lost his voice.

Watching his mother fall to the ground made something change inside him.

Her unmoving body, the boy's bloody blades, and the eyes of the villagers who witnessed that unspeakable event...

That was how Julius became a transgressor.

Sometime later, Ludger found himself walking beside him, their hands linked, a fresh stain of guilt on the back of the hand that held his.

_“I killed her. I was trying to protect your village, but I hurt you instead. Would it have been more responsible of me to stay and face condemnation? Maybe... But, as your brother, I decided it would have been more irresponsible to leave you alone in this world. You're allowed to hate me.”_

But he couldn't.

If Julius hadn't run away, the villagers would have condemned him, and then he wouldn't have had anyone.

Even his young eyes understood that what he witnessed was an accident, but the villagers were too eager to condemn Julius. At the time, the only emotion Ludger felt was emptiness, but they were overflowing with rage and something darker – something that was too dark for him to even understand at the time.

They were possessed by their self-righteousness. They didn't ask him how he felt, even though his feelings should have been the most important. They didn't even look at him...

But Julius's eyes were on him the whole time.

That was all he remembered. Their escape from the village was a blur to him after that.

In his dream, Julius killed him.

It was kill or be killed.

Maybe it was his heart catching a glimpse of the fear Julius must have felt back then...

All he knew was that the dream couldn't have been farther from reality. He knew that Julius would never do anything to intentionally hurt him. Despite that incident, he never felt afraid of Julius. That was what made that dream feel so upsetting. As soon as his eyes opened, his lips were ready with objections to refute it.

In the end, he decided that he didn't need to say anything.

A world where Julius would try to hurt him was a world that didn't exist.

He just shook his head softly.

“It's nothing. Just cold.”

Julius smiled. Putting one strong arm around Ludger's shoulders, he pulled him closer to warm him up. “It's good to hear you,” he said. “I was so afraid...”

Right... Julius feared that he would never be able to speak again because of him. But his voice gradually returned with Julius's affection. He'd never been especially talkative, so he saved his words for the things that mattered – the things that would make his brother smile.

“I'm not worried about Kanata and the others,” he said. “They're strong. They remind me of us.”

“Well, I don't know if they're _quite_ like us,” Julius said, chuckling quietly. He dipped his head, kissing him to make his point.

They hadn't exactly hidden the nature of their relationship from them. The moment they ran away from the village as children, they vowed to defy the illogical laws and reason that bound the world in a state of endless fear and suffering. They would continue to live their lives the way they wanted. They would do what they could to make a change, but...

Ludger didn't want Julius to bear that responsibility. He could tell that Julius felt the same, remorseful for making him face that reality with him. But Ludger wouldn't have had it any other way. He couldn't imagine going back to the way things had been before, living his life looking over his shoulder in fear of appearing on Vision Central for any perceived transgression. He wanted to free everyone from their chains.

But he also wanted to live a normal life. When it came down to it, that was all.

If he thought about his ideal world for too long, he'd find himself in despair at the reality they were living in. A future without Vision Orbs and condemnation felt so achievable, right within their reach, and yet... It wasn't something two people could easily achieve by themselves.

Ludger smiled to himself.

“I should go see if they're awake. I want to do what I can to help them.”

It appeared that Julius shared the same thoughts. He smiled and leaned in to kiss him once more, holding the back of Ludger's neck with his warm hand. As soon as they parted, the cold air rushed back into the space between them and made Ludger regret that they ever had to leave their bed. It was the perfect day to do nothing, but they didn't have that luxury, especially when housing other fugitives.

Julius also looked reluctant to leave him. That just made Ludger smile all the more. He could be so cute. Sometimes, Ludger thought he acted like he was the little brother.

While Julius dressed, Ludger left the bedroom in his pajamas. As soon as Rollo heard him rise from the bed, he immediately woke up and found the energy to follow him to the living area – hoping for breakfast, of course.

It was still quiet. They still seemed to be sleeping, but when he counted, he realized that two were missing.

Kanata, and the black-haired one. What was his name...?

Oh, right. Vicious.

Hard to believe that was his real name. There was something sort of suspicious about him. Ludger couldn't decide whether he should be wary of him or not. The others seemed trustworthy, so if they trusted him enough to travel with him, then there was probably nothing to worry about.

Rollo continued to follow him until he opened the front door. As soon as Rollo felt the cold air, he bristled, letting out a displeased meow, and hurriedly waddled away from the door.

Outside, Ludger found Kanata sitting on a barrel in front of the cabin. Hearing the door, Kanata looked behind him and gave a small wave from over his shoulder.

“Oh, hey, Ludger. Sorry if I worried you by disappearing.”

It looked like at least a full foot of snow had fallen overnight. The tree branches were heavy with snow, drooping toward the ground. The usual sightline between the trees had disappeared, obscured by an impenetrable white wall of falling snow. From the front door, a trail of foot prints led away into the surrounding forest, though it looked like they must have been there a while, nearly made invisible by a thick layer of snow.

“It's freezing out here,” Luder said, rubbing his arms. “Wouldn't you rather be inside?”

Kanata lowered his head with a sigh. “Of course I would. But when I woke up, I saw that Vicious was gone. He shouldn't be out here when it's this cold. Knowing him, he probably still has his coat unzipped and everything... What's he thinking?” He sighed again, even more deeply. “He's always running off like this... You'd think I'd understand him by now, but I don't.”

After putting on his shoes, Ludger carefully closed the door behind him so as not to disturb the others. His shoes weren't exactly made for the snow, so his toes immediately felt the cold as soon as he stepped into it. Tugging his sleeves down over his hands, he hopped up onto the barrel beside Kanata and pulled up his feet.

“I was just thinking about how mysterious Vicious seems, actually. People probably tend to misjudge him, don't they?”

Kanata's brows lifted in surprise. “Yeah, they do... I probably shouldn't be surprised that you got that impression, too. There's something shady about him, isn't there?”

“I don't think he's shady. Sometimes, there are people who would rather keep their intentions to themselves because they don't want to make others worry. But when they do that, it's hard to tell what they're really thinking. I think Vicious seems like that type of person.”

“Wow, Ludger... You're really good at understanding people, aren't you?”

“N-not at all. I'm a pretty bad judge of people. I could actually stand to be a little more skeptical at times...” He turned to look at Kanata and smiled. “It's just something that he and my brother have in common. I could tell that you all were suspicious of Julius at first.”

“S-sorry about that...”

“It's alright. You shouldn't be too trusting. Not all fellow transgressors are your friends. A lot of them really are evil people who deserve to be punished. Just...”

“Yeah...” Kanata's eyes narrowed, his expression turning serious. “Not with the Vision Orbs.”

All he and Julius could do for them was make sure that they had what they needed to continue their travels. A part of him wanted to go with them, but he could see that their group was already big enough. Even if they went their separate ways, it was enough to know that there were others who were trying to accomplish the same goal as he and Julius.

The job was too big for two people to accomplish... But they weren't the only ones.

The two continued to watch the snow fall with no sign of Vicious in sight. As the silence drew on, Ludger noticed a certain sense of tension coming from Kanata, like he was holding back something he wanted to say.

“Kanata...?”

“Ludger... Before you met Julius, you thought you were an only child, right? I know this might be personal, but... Could you tell me what you felt when you found out that Julius was your brother?”

“I guess I was in too much shock to even process it... He's my brother, but-...”

He had to shut his mouth and look away so that Kanata wouldn't notice the obvious heat in his cheeks.

The truth was, even though they were brothers, Julius had always been something else to him. He was everything. There was no better way of saying it, but he knew that Kanata wouldn't understand if he tried to explain it that way. There was no way to justify their relationship to anyone – and he was satisfied with never trying to justify it. They existed for each other. There was nothing else he could compare their relationship to.

“Sorry,” Kanata muttered, nervously rubbing the back of his neck. “I guess, what I really want to know is... How were you able to forgive Julius for what he did?”

Ludger watched him carefully for a moment. Kanata refused to meet his eyes, staring at the bright snow with eyes filled with a sad feeling – something like remorse. Although he seemed to be purposely avoiding his reason for asking, Ludger could tell that he must have been asking for a deeply personal reason.

“It wasn't a matter of forgiving him.” That answer was easy. He'd thought about it a lot. And then he'd let it go. “He told me that I was allowed to hate him for what he did, but there wouldn't have been any point in hating someone for defending themselves. I just didn't want him to hate himself. Of course, if he'd been anyone else... If he ran away without taking responsibility for what he did, I'm not sure how I would've felt.”

“He's really strong... Taking responsibility for his actions like that when he was so young...”

“Even if he were someone evil, I don't know if I could have left him there with the people who wanted to condemn him. Whether or not he deserved to be punished was my decision... But they almost seemed excited. They were ready to tear him apart like vultures. That's why...”

Hooking a finger in the collar of his shirt, he pulled it down to reveal the stain of guilt on the left side of his chest.

“Wait– You're a transgressor, too?! But... Why? What makes you a transgressor?”

“They couldn't understand why I'd choose him. They didn't understand why I hated them for hating Julius. They didn't want to understand.”

“So, for that, they...”

“Right,” Ludger said, taking a breath of frozen air. “They accused a child of taking the side of a murderer.”

“Ludger...” Kanata looked at him with sympathetic eyes, his gaze slowly falling to the ground. “I'm so sorry. That's horrible.”

“That's the world we live in. Something tells me it could have been worse... At least I have my brother.”

Like that dream, a glimpse into a world unknown to him...

On that day, had he not made his decision sooner, he could have lost his mother and his brother at the same time. He believed that bearing the stain of guilt for that decision was the smallest price he could've paid.

Even as the snow continued to fall, even as he took in another freezing breath, Ludger felt the world become a little warmer as he thought about Julius and the people who could help them make a difference.

He looked back at Kanata who met his eyes with a renewed sense of resolve shining in them. He watched as he hopped off the barrel into the snow.

“I want to become more like you two,” Kanata said, clenching his fists. “Taking responsibility for your sins... Those aren't just fancy words. It's a real way to live your life. I know it must be hard, but you two make it look easy. I... I want to reach that point, too, where I can make it look easy.”

“Well said, Kanata! Only gave me marginal cringe!”

The two looked up to see the dark figure of Vicious approaching from the woods with something hoisted over his shoulders.

“Is that wood?” Kanata asked, squinting. “Did you run off to pursue your dream of becoming a lumberjack overnight?”

“Yeah right.” When he was close enough, he dropped the heavy load off in front of the door. “I was freezing my ass off in this little rinky-dink shack last night. I couldn't sleep with my toes turning to ice cubes, so I went out to get some firewood.” He turned to Ludger. “You guys _do_ have a fireplace, don't you? If I collected all this for nothing, I swear...”

“W-we do!” Ludger nervously assured, hurrying to pick up some of the wood before the snow could dampen it. Kanata stared at Vicious skeptically before helping Ludger gather the wood.

Back inside, Aegis, Misella, and Yuna had gotten up and were already attempting to make breakfast with Julius in the kitchen. Although he appreciated the thought, Ludger shooed them away before they could inevitably turn the food into charcoal. There was a reason why he was the one who handled all the cooking. If they were going to send them back out in the cold, he at least wanted to send them on their way with a fine meal in their stomachs.

He directed Julius to the pile of wood carried in by him and Kanata instead.

“Whoa, what is all this?” Julius asked.

“Firewood courtesy of Vicious. Apparently he had trouble sleeping because it was too cold for him on the floor...”

Julius was quiet for a moment. “I see... Is that what he said?” He laughed to himself mysteriously.

Maybe it was something only two 'shady guys' could understand...

After that, Julius took the wood and helped them start a toasty fire.

As usual, Ludger handled the cooking and served them a breakfast to remember.

As much as he enjoyed having them, he couldn't help but feel a little guilty for anticipating when he could be alone with just his brother again. He was used to it being the two of them, so it was actually sort of overwhelming to suddenly be involved with so many unfamiliar people. He didn't exactly want them to leave, but he didn't think he could handle having them there for much longer, either...

So it filled him with conflicted feelings as he stood outside in the snow, waving goodbye to them, unsure whether he would ever see them again.

But... Wherever they were going, he was sure they were going to be okay.

Once their silhouettes faded fully into the white fog between the trees, he looked up at Julius.

“Do you think their pursuers are going to find us out here?”

“I wouldn't worry about that. The snow ought to keep us from having any unexpected visitors for a while. And if anyone does come by this way...” He met Ludger's eyes with a smile that gave him confidence. “We'll take care of them.”

Ludger warmly returned his expression. “Yeah. We will.”

Julius's gaze lingered on him for a little longer – long enough for Ludger to realize that there were unspoken thoughts behind his smile. He tilted his head questioningly, the wordless gesture that would always get Julius to explain what he was thinking.

“Oh, it's nothing. I was just thinking about how well you seemed to get along with them. Part of me wonders... if I should've let you go with them.”

For a second, Ludger's breath was frozen in his throat. Head too full of thoughts, he just vigorously shook his head and narrowed his eyes to show how adamantly opposed he was to that idea. It wasn't like he hated the thought of going with them, but he couldn't believe Julius would even consider sending him off alone.

That must have been Julius's guilt speaking...

Ludger knew that he felt awful for robbing him of a normal life, but he'd already chosen the life he wanted to live. There was no other life for him besides a life together with Julius.

“Sorry,” Julius said gently as he pulled him into a hug. “That was just the big brother in me. I always wanted you to be able to have friends. I guess I'm just... always surprised that you would choose me.”

Ludger tightly returned his embrace and rested his forehead against Julius's shoulder.

He couldn't leave Julius by himself. He was hopeless without him. And he hated knowing that Julius would have solemnly agreed.

It was just another pointless thing to say out loud, so Ludger kept the thought to himself. He knew that if he chose that moment to look up, if the thought hadn't already been on Julius's mind, he would have understood what he was thinking just by looking at his face.

So instead, he just said, “I love you,” and he heard Julius's surprised breath.

More than any other reason, that was why he couldn't leave him. Because leaving him would have been painful for him, too.

He couldn't. He loved him.

“Ludger... Thank you.”

Ludger realized, that was probably what Vicious had been trying to say, too. It seemed simple, but it wasn't always easy for a heart burdened with guilt to express its gratitude.

Taking Julius's hand, Ludger gave a gentle tug to make him follow him back inside.

“Come on. Rollo's going to get lonely if we stay out here much longer.”


End file.
